Black Hole Sun
by Orthopox15
Summary: An unstable mercenary visits the town of Forks for his latest mission to carry out a few hits. Oh yes. There will be blood. Flame if you like. More chapters to follow. Rated M for use of language and  possibly  disturbing violence.
1. Chapter 1

_My name is Dalbach Aindreas. I'm a paranormal mercenary from Southies in Boston, Massachusetts. I was assigned a contract from my employer, who would like to remain anonymous, to look into and get rid of a vampire/werewolf infection in a Podunk town called Forks, Washington. It was supposed to be a fairly standard job, you know, expose to sunlight, poison with silver, get out, get drunk, get paid. Well, not in that order, but you get the idea._

_No problem, I thought. Just kill the head guy. I was __**dead wrong.**_

A large grey van covered in art featuring Gaelic crosses on the sides crosses the Washington state line. The driver was smoking a Cuban cigar and humming along to a James Dean record.

As he hits bumps in the road, the arsenal in the back clatters about. Smoke pours out his window and floats back, hitting the windshield of a car containing a certain teenage girl.

The two don't know, but they are heading the same way. As the destination nears, a crystal dangling from the rearview mirror glows red, and emits a fizzing sound.

"I know, little buddy, just wait a while." He pats his Peace-maker pistol and traces the pattern of the enchantment sigils on the ivory handle with his forefinger. "Just an hour or two and we can get down to business."

Upon arriving, he parks in a motel outside a hotel, and slides into the back to examine which weapon to use.

"Shotgun, need that… Hmm, M-16, not stealthy enough. Oh, I'm gonna need this." He pulls from a rack a large Barrett M82 sniper rifle. "Yes, .50 caliber of pure kick-assery. Wait, did I pack…" He fishes through his black trenchcoat and produces a Bowie knife with a large insignia reading _Eiren Go Brach_ on the hilt.

"Oh yes is, it's gonna be a great day."

He finishes attaching his miscellaneous weaponry to his body, and dons his wide-brim Minotaur-leather hat.


	2. Chapter 2

_I've been researching the threat in the area. Spying, following, examining, not really my thing, but it's in the contract. It wasn't, as I thought, just one or two critters, no. it was a damned epidemic of sparkly faggots and Abercrombie-and-Fitch models who happen to turn into enormous wolves. Oh, and surprise! These vamps are the toughest I've ever seen. Well, anatomically speaking. They're mostly sissies who won't even feed on humans. You have to utterly destroy them to even get them to stay down! Not that I don't like a challenge, but…._

_This was gonna suck._

Dalbach is squatted down next to a still spring, filling up a silver bowl covered in sigils. At this point, several miles away, a vampire introduces his girlfriend to his family. Dalbach taps the crystal from his rearview mirror, now hanging about his neck.

"Husaam, wake up. We need to divine out where the target is."

A green, translucent man stands before him, sitting in the lotus position just above the surface of the water. A vapor comes from his every pore, making him appear to burn.

He says flatly, "Got the bowl?"

"Yeah. Filled and ready."

"Very good. And the fang?"

Dalbach dips one of the vampire teeth from his necklace into the water so that the spell may recognize what it is after._ "Foilsigh mise a griocha go hulie…"_

"Now, we wait for the spell to take effect…"

A moment later, the water turns dark, and a picture fades from the inky surface. The face of Dalbach's target shows and a red arrow lights up over the bowl, fanning out in a northerly direction.

"Alright. C'mon, let's go."

"If you say so," Husaam replies.

The two slowly follow the arrow until they are in view of a large glass house.

"This is it." Dalbach ducks behind a boulder, and draws a blocker sigil on his forehead, so as to avoid control or intrusion on his thoughts. Husaam floats overhead, not bothering to cover himself as his crystal-holder is the only one who can see him. Hussam pulls out a large scroll from his limitless body cavity. He begins to read from it.

"Dal, it says here that we have to kill him _slowly._ Whoever wants this done, wants it done with as much pain as possible."

"I know that. I'm just getting research on him is all. It's gonna be a bitch to kill his outsides, but killing him on the inside is gonna be fun."

A rustling from the forest several yards away breaks Husaam's concentration on his scroll. He looks in that direction, and calls to Dalbach, who is preoccupied with sharpening his knives.

"Dal… the contract has us down for the werewolf clan, too."

"So?"

"There's one right over there," he says. Dalbach whips around and sees a pair of large golden eyes in the bushes. He reaches for his Peace-Maker slowly, but the wolf recognizes the glint of metal and tackles him.

Dalbach struggles against the wolf's enormous body, and manages to bring the pistol directly under the creatures jaw.

It fires soundlessly, due to a sigil on its barrel. The wolf slowly transmutes back into a human, and Dalbach tosses him off.

"Damn. I wanted to make a coat out of him."

"That's the least of our concerns. We need to burn the body so we don't attract attention."

"Husaam, seriously. The wolf knew we were here, so its clan must too. Stealth is out the window on these guys. You know what that means." Dalbach stands up, pulls out his knife, and smiles insidiously from ear to ear.

"Get me the taunting kit from the van."

Husaam opens his palm toward the van, parked several hundred yards away, and a black suitcase phases out of the wall and zooms toward them.

"What do you want with it?"

"You'll see…"

Within a few minutes, a corpse is hanging from a branch, covered in prostitute makeup and fake semen dribbling from its mouth.

"Hahahahahaaaa!!!... Holy crap, I do LOVE this job!"

"You are one sick bastard, Dalbach."

"You think we shoulda given him a fur coat? Or a silver necklace?"

Another rustling sound, and suddenly thirty werewolves are upon Dalbach, some humanoid, some in wolf form.

One of them demands, "Why… the FUCK… are you here!?!?!?!?"

"Uhhh, money. Duh. Why else would I hang your buddy to draw you out? I'm not _totally _nuts. Just… a little nuts. Oh, are you…" he pulls out a sticky-note from his pocket, "Jacob Black?"

"…How do you know my name?"

"It's on my contract, see. My employer only mentioned you specifically out of the wolves."

Jacob turns to his pack and shouts, "KILL HIM!!!"

Dalbach points his finger into the crowd calmly and says, "_TINE."_

All but Jacob burst into pillars of flame, and are piles of ashes in seconds.

"Muuuuch better. Now, I was told to make this a bit flashy. Whoever wants this must hate your guts."

Jacob stands in his wolf form, backing away slowly, and whimpering audibly.

"You see this?" Dalbach asks, motioning to the sigil on the bullet chamber on his shotgun. "This little doohickey means that if I shoot it, it's fuckin' _dead._ No special rules, or diamond skin, or whatever excuse the writer gave you, _you are D-E-D, dead._"

Dal hops from the tree, landing with one foot on Jacobs's neck, and fires directly between his eyes.

Ironically, a silver bullet is now embedded in his spinal cord. Dalbach is a fan of theatrics.

"I'll say it again, I, L-L-L-LOVE this job!"

Dal raises a hand toward Husaam, who answers it with a half-hearted high-five.

"So, what do we do with the body, Dal?"

Dal looks up at it. "Meh, leave it. It's my best work yet, I think. To the Bat-mobile!"

Dal runs to his van, and drives back to his hotel. A vampire in the glass house looks out, and sees the van speed away.

"Er, Ed?... We may have a problem."


	3. Chapter 3 Finale!

_Okay, so the payoff took an eternity or two, but this was one of the most fun contracts I've actually been sent on in years. Usually it's just sniping or maybe a heist, but I actually got to torture for once! But, I gotta warn ya, this gets a bit nasty. _

Edward is watching Dalbach drive away, trying his best to look contemplative and intelligent. Everyone in his family can tell that he's putting on a show, but Bella falls for it completely.

She wonders silently (though quite obviously, as Edward is drinking in the attention) what kind of genius plan he is formulating. Surely he'll save her as he always does. And then shall come passionate sex and ugly little vampire kids. "I might just put out tonight, even," she thinks. "He can't leave me like everything other man did if we have our own little bastard to look after."

"Ed? Ed!" Jasper snaps in Edward's face. "This guy must be the hitman I heard about. He's planning to kill you, you know."

"Shut up! I already knew that! I read minds. Duh." He meets Jasper's eyes and flicks them back toward Bella to remind him of their lie. She couldn't find out that he was really just faking his mental powers or the incident in Seattle would look less heroic than creepy...

"Edward, my love. Why don't we just follow him?" Bella asks. "We can just fly after him like we did the other day."

Edward agrees to it, not mentioning that he has to snort a mountain of pixie dust beforehand to fly.

"I'll just go to the restroom for a moment, and we'll go."

"But I thought you vampires didn't have to--  
"Do you have to ask dumb questions!"

Bella shrugs off the verbal abuse, hoping getting laid will calm him down. That calmed down Daddy when he wanted to—wait, they can't talk about that anymore. The lawyer said it would get Daddy arrested again.

Soon, Edward and Bella are flying off, no words exchanged as Edward can't talk when his teeth begin to vibrate.

Edward smells the odor of gunshot residue and whiskey. They follow it to a warehouse and step inside.

Bella clings to her love like a scared infant.

A bad decision in hindsight, as a bolt of lightning shocks them into twitching unconsciousness.

They wake up tied to chairs with no bottoms, only frames, and opera music is playing to cover the screams to come. Edward is completely nude, but has his naughty bits covered up in a sock for decency's sake and pressed between the plates of a vice. Dalbach steps on the vice's lever, making Edward squeal like a pig.

"Good, you're awake!"

"Whatthehellareyoudoing, oh my GODithurrrrts!"

Dalbach backhands him across his square chin, which, due to a destruction sigil on Dal's ring, now looks less square.

Bella screams around her ball gag, and Dalbach conks her on the head with the flat side of his cricket bat.

"Now then, I have been assigned to kill you, but I get to have some fun with it first. Don't worry, little lady," He says, looking at Bella's pleading eyes, "you're not signed up to die in this contract. You just get to watch."

Dal takes a Sharpie from his pocket and draws an X on the side of Ed's temple.

He lines up the flat end of his bat against the X, but then swings it directly down onto his genitals.

He laughs as Edward screams, and this continues for several hours.

"Oh, I feel pretty, so very pretty…" Dalbach sings, now using a spiked flail on Edwards back, now a Japanese Kanabo club.

After 3 hours and 45 minutes, Dalbach is tired of torture, and takes out his Bowie knife.

He picks up Edward's chair and places it directly into Bella's view so that she can see the final move.

"Good night, sweet prince! Ha-ha!" Dalbach plunges the knife deep into Edward's jugular vein. The blackened venom-blood drips out, and Dal flicks some from his knife onto Bella's face.

He takes off her ball gag, and says in the most polite tone he can muster, "Thank you for your participation." He walks away, leaving her tied up.

As he leaves, Husaam asks, "not going to untie her?"

"That's not in the contract, either." He smiles.

Dalbach drives all the way to his hotel to pack up and leave, and when finished, he drives out of town, flipping the bird to the entire populace and singing to his radio again.

"Don't go out tonight, it's bound to take your life, _theeer'es a bad moon on the rise…._"

I would like to thank my friend, known here as _hyperspacewizard_, for collaborating with me on this project. I had a lot a fun here, and I hope you did too. We plan to have more of Dalbach soon, tackling new cases and cutting off more famous heads! Much Love, Orthopox15


End file.
